


Human Thing

by castiellations



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cancer, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-24 02:59:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7490721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castiellations/pseuds/castiellations
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They hold each other's stare, Dean resolved and Castiel heartbroken. "I don't want you doing anything stupid, though, alright? You and Sam are not allowed to make any deals or sell any souls. We'll solve this the human way, and that's final."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Human Thing

Castiel's ears are ringing and he can't breathe. He feels like he's been delivered a punch to the gut, and all the air just came out of his lungs in a big whoosh. He can sense, more than see, Dean sitting down next to him and rubbing a soothing hand on his back. But that's wrong. He should be comforting Dean, not the other way around. But the tears won't stop, and his hands won't quit shaking.

"Hey, Cas, you're okay, just breathe with me, keep in time with my chest. There you go." How can Dean be so calm about this? Cas' whole world is falling apart, and Dean is the comforting factor. He should be crying, screaming about how unfair it all is, but he's not. He's taking his diagnosis like he takes every other piece of bad news. He's shoving it away and putting Cas first, like he always does. It makes the ex-angel want to cry some more.

And he knows, he knows that he's being emotional, knows that he probably could have handled it better, but he just feels so helpless. And a year earlier he would have been able to fix it with just a touch to the forehead, but now? Now he can't do anything, and it's tearing him apart.

"Hey, Cas, look at me." He does, and still, those green eyes manage to take his breath away, though they're hardened with determination and stubbornness. "We'll be okay. I've killed more monsters than I can count, who says I can't do the same to cancer? It's just a more personal and challenging case, but we'll solve it, just like we always do." They hold each other's stare, Dean resolved and Castiel heartbroken. "I don't want you doing anything stupid, though, alright? You and Sam are not allowed to make any deals or sell any souls. We'll solve this the human way, and that's final."

Dean waits for Castiel to nod before pulling him into a long hug, and through it all, his hunter keeps his eyes dry.

~~~~~~~~~

Dean acts like it's not even there. Like it's not a part of him. He still sings while he cooks, and kisses Cas on the forehead before grabbing coffee, and insists on finding cases. Nothing has changed, and Cas likes to let himself believe that sometimes, when they're all sitting in the library silently, Dean's foot nudging Cas' every once in a while. But then he'll look at Sam's pained expression, or he'll notice Dean's slightly slower pace going up the stairs, and he'll have to close his eyes for a moment and pray that things were different. But God never really liked to answer prayers, did he?

~~~~~~~~~

Dean goes to chemotherapy once a week. He leaves early, before Cas or Sam wakes up, and tries to sneak in afterwards with a pack of beer, claiming that he was just going on a grocery run.

Those days are the worst. Dean always looks a little paler, his eyes a little duller. There's less singing in the kitchen, and more hair in the shower drain.

And Cas just feels so helpless, so he does what he can, and holds Dean just a little tighter each night so that he doesn't slip away.

~~~~~~~~

It's been four months, and Dean still doesn't talk about it. He goes on less hunts, and spends more time sitting with Cas on the couch and watching action movies. Sam even joins in sometimes, and those are the times when Dean looks the most content. All three of them in relative silence, with the exception of Dean mocking a character every now and then, and Sam bringing up small tidbits of trivia that he picked up from somewhere.

Most of the time Dean falls asleep leaning on Cas, like this very moment, and the ex-angel finds himself watching him more than the actual movie.

And even in this state, Dean is stunning. His eyelashes frame his more prominent cheekbones, and his lips are still pink and full, if just a little bit chapped. Beneath the surface, Castiel can still feel the intensity at which his soul burns, bright and shining. A little marred, a little heavy, yet still the most beautiful thing Cas has ever had the pleasure to look at.

And oh, in that moment does he wish. He wishes over and over for a life that was never really an option. He wishes that Mary Winchester would have never been raised a hunter, and never have died up on her ceiling. He wishes that the Winchesters would have been raised properly, gone to college, married the partner of their dreams. He wishes that Dean would have grown old, would have died of natural causes, surrounded by those he loved. He would have given up the chance to know Dean Winchester if it meant that he would have a normal, long life. Castiel wishes so so hard for a rewind button.

But wishing doesn't help anyone.

Dean is still asleep in his arms, his face contorting every once in a while in pain, his body not as relaxed as it should be. He's still fighting a battle that he shouldn't be, and Castiel is still unable to do anything for him. Looking over at Sam, the ex-angel finds the same helplessness etched into the lines of his face as well. Cancer is kicking Dean's ass more than the supernatural ever did, and the two of them are on the sidelines, unable to do anything but watch.

~~~~~~~~~~

The first time that Dean collapses is on a rainy Saturday morning, on his way to the kitchen for breakfast.

Sam is the one who finds him and carries him back to his room, despite Dean's protests. Castiel hears their bickering and has to go into the library to avoid breaking down.

He still ends up crying.

~~~~~~~~~

Dean doesn't really get out of bed anymore.

Cas stays with him.

~~~~~~~~~

"This is never how I pictured it to be, ya know." Dean breaks the comfortable silence that they've been wrapped up in for hours, his voice raspy from disuse.

Castiel sucks in a breath, knowing why Dean was bringing it up now, for the first time. But he lets him talk, because he know that he needs it. They both do.

"Honestly if I let myself think about it, I always came to the same damn happy ending. Me, you, and Sammy retiring, maybe manning phones for any newbies. Sam finding a nice girl, settling down with a few kids, taxes being his biggest problem.

"And us. We would have been so damn good. I dreamed so many times of waking up next to you every morning, starting and finishing each day with you by my side. We might not have lived to see grey hairs, but we could have had a chance. I just wanted you to experience life with me, Cas."

All the ex-angel wants to do is convince his hunter that he's not going anywhere, and to not give up. But he knows the likelihood of Dean beating the cancer that's spread throughout his entire body. And he knows that Dean doesn't want to hear any of that.

So he just says, "It would have been an honor to experience life with you, Dean Winchester."

And Dean cries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean refuses to go to the hospital, even though he can't even make it to the bathroom on his own.

"Guns blazing." Is the only answer Castiel gets when he asks.

Dean's going out the same way he always imagined: with his angel and his brother by his side.

Cas doesn't plan on leaving his side anytime soon, but he's terrified that Dean will have to.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Dean." It's late, and the ex-angel can't stop his mind from running, taking his mouth along for the ride. He gets a tired hum in response, and the guilt almost stops him from trying again, but it's important. He gently shakes Dean's shoulder until a hand pushes him away, and blue eyes meet green ones.

"Cas, it's late, what's wrong?" His voice is low and sleepy, and Castiel marvels for the millionth time at the hunter's beauty. Even now with a shiny head and circles under his eyes, he's as stunning as ever.

"I've known you for thirteen years, and each one has been spent.. experiencing life with you. I don't want you thinking that we haven't lived just because it wasn't outside of the supernatural realm. I have woken up next to you for the past six years, and spent even more by your side. We had a chance, and we lived up to it each and every day. I would do it, all of it, again, if it meant that I would end up here, with you. This might not be our happy ending, but I'll be damned if it hasn't been the best thirteen years of my existence." He's rambling, and he knows it, but it had to be said. He couldn't let Dean think that Cas regretted any of it, he had to know that just because it was cut short, what they had (have) was (is) a beautiful thing.

For a long moment, it's silent, both of them holding eye contact, both of them a little watery.

But then Dean scoots forward and into Cas' embrace, burying his face in his chest.

They fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms, and if Castiel's shirt is soaked with tears, he doesn't bring it up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam doesn't hunt anymore. Castiel thinks that maybe it's a permanent thing. He thinks that maybe it hurts too much for him to hunt without his brother driving Baby and singing off tune.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They all spend a lot of time in Dean's room, watching tv or playing cards. Dean does his best to keep the comedy show rolling, and sometimes it's so easy to forget about everything, but then Dean will have a coughing fit, or Sam will have to leave because his eyes aren't as dry as they should be, and reality comes back to slap them in the face again.

It's far from perfect, but Cas'll take what he can get.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey, Cas?" The three of them are sitting on Dean's bed, playing some kind of board game, when the hunter speaks. Cas immediately looks up and searches Dean's face for any pain or alarm, and when he finds none, he relaxes.

"Do you think you could give me and Sammy a minute alone?" Dean isn't looking at either of them, but they both know what's about to go down. Cas nods and goes to stand up, looking at both the brothers before walking to the door.

Sam looks so, so scared, and Cas wants to gather him in a hug, but instead he walks out and closes the door behind him, letting the two of them have this moment.

~~~~~~~~~

Cas knows that he got his 'goodbye speech' awhile ago, so when he comes back into the room after hugging a sobbing Sam, he just crawls into bed and wraps himself around the frail body of his hunter.

Dean is crying, but Cas decides that if there were ever a time that he needed to be strong and comforting, it was now. He wills himself to keep his eyes dry, and squeezes Dean tighter against himself, knowing that he needs it.

He holds Dean for hours, holding him while he cries, and trying to do what he can to make the pain go away.

They eventually fall silent, Dean's sniffles the only thing piercing the quiet of the room.

"I love you, Cas." It's just a whisper, but Cas' ears pick up on it anyways, and his heart still flutters, even after all these years.

He kisses the top of Dean's head and shuffles into a more comfortable position for sleep. "And I love you, Dean."

His heart seems to be bursting with affection for the human, and he lets himself become absorbed in it, even though he knows that it will destroy him later.

They fall asleep sometime before dawn, still as in love as they always were, the only difference being the pain interwoven between them.

~~~~~~~~

Coffee. They were out of coffee. It was Cas' turn to make the grocery run.

~~~~~~~~

When his phone started ringing on the drive back, Cas knew immediately what was wrong and picked up his speed while accepting the call from Sam.

His throat is tight when he hears Sam's panicked voice through the phone. "He tried to get out of bed and collapsed. You better hurry.. I don't know how much longer he has. He doesn't look good at all, Cas."

Cas throws his phone onto the passenger seat and puts his full attention towards getting home as soon as possible.

It's the longest drive of his existence.

~~~~~~~~~~

It's silent when Castiel opens the door to the bunker. His pulse is racing, and he barely makes it down the stairs without tripping. As soon as he's on level ground, he starts to sprint the short distance to Dean's room, his blood pounding in his ears.

He comes to a halt when he sees the door cracked open, and hesitates. He hears Sam's choked whispers, and almost doesn't want to intrude on such a strong moment that he knows they're having.

"Cas?" Dean's weak voice calls out, and the ex-angel pushes the door open, his knees nearly buckling.

Dean is sitting back on the headboard of his bed, cushioned by a mountain of pillows, and a face almost as pale as the spirits they used to put to rest on a daily basis. One hand is swallowed up by both of Sam's, and the other one patting the spot next to him for Cas.

Sam is seated at the side of the bed, his eyes puffy and his hands clutching Dean's like he can keep him here with just the strength of his hold.

And Cas can't hold back anymore. The pressure behind his eyes is loosened as he begins to sob, and he blindly finds his way to the bed, crawling in under the covers and wrapping himself around Dean, careful not to hurt him.

Dean seems adamant on keeping his eyes dry, and Cas wants to, wants to be strong for Dean, but he can't make the tears stop.

Cas touches Dean's arms, back, stomach, everything that he can reach, because he can feel the life seeping out of him, and he wants to hold on for as long as he can. Dean seems to sense his desperation, and uses his free hand to rub comforting circles on Cas' back.

"Hey, Cas, it's okay, I'll be okay, you'll be okay. Look at me, both of you." Sam's eyes are just as watery as Cas', and even Dean is choked up, but both of them look at him, so afraid for what's going to happen.

"Listen to me. I know that it's gonna hurt, it's gonna hurt like hell. But don't you dare let my death haunt you, ever. Sammy, we've talked about this. You're gonna branch out and find the love of your life, and never look back. The apple pie life, that's what I want for you. I'm not saying to forget about me, but don't let me keep you from being happy.

"And Cas, I want that for you, too, I want it for you so bad. You're human now, you can go out and enjoy all the finer things in life. Hell, find someone that makes you happy, and explore the world with them." Dean's voice cracks then, and Cas knows it's because he wanted to be the one to do it all with Cas.

And God, Cas knows that he'll never find anyone with as bright a soul as Dean, and he's not even going to bother looking. He knows that Dean knows that too, but it's in his nature to want the best for the ones he loves, even if it hurts him to say it.

"As cheesy as it sounds, if I end up getting through the pearly gates, know that both of you are in my Heaven, and that I'll be waiting, though it better be a long time before I see either one of you." Cas can't stand it anymore. He sits up and gently grabs Dean's face, looking in his eyes and getting lost in them for the millionth time since they first met. Leaning forward, Castiel places a light kiss on his hunter's lips, lingering for just a moment.

"Out of all of God's creation, you are the one I love and will continue to love, for the rest of my existence, Dean Winchester."

Dean gives him a watery and somewhat content smile. "Yeah, I love you too, Cas."

Wrapping himself around Dean once again, Cas holds on tight, not wanting to let go. He reaches over and wraps a hand around Sam's wrist, giving him a reassuring squeeze.

The three of them stay there for over an hour, remembering old hunts, and laughing about rainbow slinkies and Japanese nut knocking game shows. Eventually, Dean can't keep his eyes open anymore and falls asleep, an easy smile on his lips.

He doesn't wake up the next morning.


End file.
